Losing Your Humanity — A LinkedIn Survival Guide
Losing Your Humanity — A LinkedIn Survival Guide
For every post I see on LinkedIn, a piece of me dies. Every user is the accomplished, Emperor-God-King, thought-leading CEO of a series B, unicorn, disruptive startup or working for corporation where you’re ✨family✨, even more than Olive Garden. Well, I’m not here to hate on the virtue-signaling, rather, I’m here because in the process of becoming a husk, I wish to impart some unsolicited advice based on the doom scrolling of the LinkedIn home page for the last few years. In any case, I’m humbled to announce, my guide to surviving LinkedIn:
Step 1: The “Humbled and Honored” Dance
LinkedIn is a place where humility reigns supreme. Are you announcing a promotion? Posting about finishing a certification? Got a new water bottle that you’re really proud of? Whatever it is, always start with, “I’m truly humbled and honored.” It’s LinkedIn law. Break this rule, and you’ll be networking in the shadows FOREVER.
Bonus Points: Throw in a rocket 🚀 emoji for maximum inspirational velocity, just like r/WSB.
Step 2: Skill Endorsements Are a Free-for-All
Ah, endorsements — the LinkedIn equivalent of handing out candy on Halloween. Here’s the secret: you don’t actually need to know if someone is skilled in what you’re endorsing them for. Just go wild! Did your coworker send you a funny GIF once? Endorse them for “Creative Problem Solving.” Did your old college buddy post a cat meme? Clearly, they’re an expert in “Leadership.” Don’t forget to endorse your closest friends for “Teleportation” or “Time Travel” — you know, just in case.
Step 3: The Inspirational Content Formula
Creating content on LinkedIn can be tricky. But there’s a foolproof formula that never fails:
- Find a mundane event: Maybe you dropped your phone or ran out of coffee.
- Turn it into a metaphor for life: “Dropping my phone today reminded me that even when life gets shaky, we have to pick ourselves up and keep going.”
- Hashtag like your life depends on it: #GrowthMindset #Perseverance #Leadership #MondayMotivation
Pro Tip: The more unrelated hashtags, the better.
Step 4: Master the Art of the Connection Request
LinkedIn is all about connections. But how do you connect with someone in a way that screams “I’m totally not just trying to sell you something”? Simple. Just copy and paste this message:
“Hi [First Name], I noticed we have a mutual connection. I’d love to add you to my network so we can connect and share ideas!” Bonus if you also include something generic about “exploring synergies.” This will 100% not make you sound like a robot, promise.
Survival Tip: Make sure you also mention you’re “excited to engage in meaningful dialogue,” even if you’re not sure what that means.
Step 5: Thought Leadership (For the Rest of Us)
Becoming a “thought leader” is LinkedIn’s ultimate goal. But what if you don’t have any particularly groundbreaking thoughts? No problem! Here’s how you do it:
- Find an obscure quote from someone famous, ideally a current, trending CEO of a relatively uncontroversial company, even if you’re talking about something completely unrelated to their industry.
- Pair it with a photo of you standing in front of a brick wall, staring off into the distance like you’re contemplating the mysteries of the universe.
- Caption: “Success isn’t about what you achieve, it’s about the coffee you drink on the way there.”
Pro Tip: If you want to add a sprinkle of extra wisdom, throw in something about “disrupting paradigms” or “challenging the status quo.”
Step 6: React to Everything Like It’s Mind-Blowing
When scrolling through LinkedIn, you’ll come across posts about leadership, dogs, people getting promoted, or someone sharing their secret recipe for avocado toast. No matter the content, you must react like you’ve just uncovered the secrets of the universe. Comments like “This is SO inspiring!” or “Incredible insights, thank you for sharing!” will make you seem genuinely engaged (even if you were just scrolling during a lunch break).
Step 7: The 5 AM Club (Because Who Needs Sleep?)
If you want to truly survive LinkedIn, you have to embrace the hustle. This means posting about waking up at 5 AM, even if your body is screaming for sleep. Share a motivational quote about “grinding” and “embracing the early morning silence” while secretly sipping coffee like it’s liquid gold.
Survival Tip: If you’re not actually waking up at 5 AM, post about it anyway. No one needs to know. Just use stock photos of the sunrise and you’re good to go.
Step 8: The Power of the Tag
Tagging people is an essential LinkedIn survival skill. Here’s how to use it effectively:
- Write a post about literally anything, like that sandwich you ate for lunch.
- Tag at least 10 people, even if they have nothing to do with sandwiches or lunch in general.
- Sit back and watch the “Great post!” comments roll in.
Pro Tip: Tag your high school math teacher, your neighbor’s dog walker, your Rabbi — anyone and everyone since everyone loves being part of something they didn’t sign up for.
Step 10: Share Your “Journey”
Last but not least, LinkedIn is all about the journey. Did you just learn how to use Excel’s SUM function? Post about it like you just unlocked the Da Vinci Code. Did you help plan a company party? Talk about if as if you were running the MET Gala. Add in a life lesson for good measure, and you’ve got a recipe for a journey that supersedes any heroic journey.
Final Thoughts:
All jokes aside, LinkedIn is a pretty decent platform in connecting professionals in specific industries and at different level of career progression. It can, however, be disheartening seeing the success of others where you find yourself lacking. Just remember, however, behind every user is a genuine person who likely doesn’t care about what alma mater you belong to, or what VC firm funded your startup. Reach out, have a genuine conversation, and learn from others where you might not be the most skilled in.
Wrapping it all up, surviving LinkedIn is all about finding the perfect balance between professional credibility and corporate clichés. I hope this guide brought some enjoyment, and hopefully you’ll be navigating the LinkedIn cesspit like a pro in no time — without losing your soul (or at least only a tiny piece of it).
Now go forth, brave networker. The world needs more shareholder value! 🚀🚀🚀